Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Weight of Glory

I had a bit of nervous breakdown today realizing the responsibility I have taken on as a celebrity news columnist. It was so bad it took me four squats to find the right place to deuce. Dad was telling me to breathe. "Just breathe," he said. He stole that from Faith Hill. He's such an unoriginal nincompoop. And he wants to be a writer. He'll never be Faith Hill. She's genius. So I pretended like Faith was singing it to me and then I was able to drop the weight that I, perhaps society, has put on my shoulders. And let me tell you, it was a lot of weight. About four stogies worth. I'm usually a twopher. But I have 5 followers now! I can't let you guys down. What would you guys talk about at parties, bah mitzvahs, PTA meetings if I didn't feed you the celebrity manna?! You'd probably go on talking about clinging to your guns and overalls and collector matchbooks. And we all know what those lead to. America's Got Talent! And no self-respecting person wants to go on that show. I was a mother once - I understand the importance of a mother's milk. That's why exposing my metaphorical nipples. I have eight of them. Literally. So here it is. Open up and take it nice!

Tyra Banks is awkward.
Oprah knows how to throw a party.
Michael Moore hates capitalism. Loves money.
Charlize Theron is waiting for gay marriage to become legal to get married. She's gay.
Jon Gosselin will not be starring in Kate + 8 - Jon = Who the &#$@ cares!

Taste good don't it? That should fill you up for now. Keep it dialed here beagle lovers!

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