Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Context of Consequence

Typically I consider myself a culinary daredevil. I mean I've eaten feces - how much more daredevil can you be? But last night I pulled a Evil Knievel 1967 (he crashed that year). I tried handsoap. I think it was Dove. There was aloe in it. There was also a reason behind it. Apparently I was using the word "bitches" out of context. At least that's what Mom thought. It was always used in reference to dogs. Female ones mainly. She wouldn't buy it. I told her I was 5 and that I'm a dog and shouldn't even know what context is. "But you do," she said. "But I do," I said. So with my tail between my legs she cleaned my tongue. It took a while. I have a long tongue. My dawgs will never let me live this down. Fortunately, they can't read. Lesson learned though. I will not use the word, ahem, out of context. I can say I am a bitch because I'm a female dog. I can say my friend Lola is a bitch because she too is a female dog. However, I cannot say malteses are, ahems. Or that haters are, ahems. Speaking of ahems though, some ahem called me Snoopy this past weekend on the street. Snoopy!? That horse-pill for a nose, pale-skinned caricature.

For one - It's racist. Not all beagles are Snoopy, nor do they want to be. It's offensive! And if you use it as such you may want to undergo a character evaluation and you'll find yourself somewhere between Hitler and Michael Richards (although I loved Kramer).

Secondly - The beagle is one of the biggest canine stars Hollywood has - Underdog, My Dog Skip, Shiloh, and his majesty, UNO! But no, you call me Snoopy! That's like calling all white male children Charlie Brown. Can you imagine that if every time somebody saw a small white male child they called him Charlie Brown? Charlie Brown looks like a 8 year old Benjamin Button! Offensive right? Plus, look at all the other white male child stars that a child would rather be represented by - Macaulay Caulkin, Rory Caulkin, Kieren Caulkin! Alright not the best examples, but you get the point.

So haters, stop calling me Snoopy. Unless you're all ahems. In other news, it looks like it might rain. There's only a 20% chance of rain with gusts from the northeast reaching 5-10 mphs. I woke up late today. Like 30 minutes ago. I think it's time for a nap. It's exhausting be adorable. Just check out the pic.

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