Op Ed: OUTRAGE

If there's one thing that I've learned it's that going potty pays! And if there's two things I've learned, the more it pays the more I become one entitled b*tch. Which has become a problem with the current demise of our economy. As Westminster winner P. Krugman (first Schnauzer to win) recently penned, "Money is cheap. Milk Bones are expensive. It's too early to make a prediction for DWTS." He's right, milk bone prices have shot up ten cents in the last three years and money prices have tanked. But dude, you are dead wrong about DWTS! Kristie Alley will not just win, but dominate. There's nothing she wouldn't or couldn't do for a Klondike bar. And there's nothing I wouldn't do, better yet, there's nothing I haven't done for a milk bone. I won't go into detail (my grandmas read this), but what I do want to detail are the sacrifices that I have been forced to make because of Frannie Drescher (lesbian) and Freddie Prince Jr.'s (hottie) mortgage Fonzie (Hey!) scheme. I told McCain back in 2005 that it was getting too big. I was referring to his comb over though. Every time he got out of the shower he looked like the crypt keeper. He wouldn't listen though. And now we're in a recession. And just like Tyra Bank's receding hairline, such has become my milk bone intake. I remember the glory days (2007-2007) where the milk bones used to flow like something that really flows and every time I made a bowel movement I was reimbursed. Those days are gone. These are turbulent times we live in. Sacrifices must be made, but really mom and dad?! They're freaking milk bones!! I'm not a Wisconsin teacher, I'm a dog! And I deserve to be treated as such!!

Fear and Loathing in Wheaton

Hello 2011!

I'm back. Like a rash. Speaking of, I think I got one of those. Picked it up from one of my uncles (George or Bailey). Not like that. I mean they are creeps but not your prototypical "creepy uncle(s)." They're schizos. Is that contagious? Maybe I have that and the rash is part of it. It feels good to itch it though. Or is it scratch? I never got that. Anyway, they were crashing with us for two weeks. It was a wild ride! We sniffed the bejeezes out of one another. Stayed up late. Slept through the day. Used bookshelves, briefcases, and all the above as fire hydrants. Pounded bone after bone. George took it too far. He got pretty messed up on an old rawhide and put the ole bone goggles on and I'm not sure what he was seeing but I had a pretty good buzz going when I saw him wheel-barreling Bailey! WTFug! I know they're from Iowa but still...! They say it's a dominance issue or something. I wouldn't know. I dominate those two toadstools like Oprah at Krispy Kreme. Whatever though. I can't judge. Only condescend. Chris Matthews taught me that. The two weeks were good though. Sowed some oats for sure. Got all of my Fear and Loathing fantasies realized. I guess I can scratch those off my list. Or is it itch?!