Monday, October 19, 2009

Guess Who's Back?...It's about time!

By process of elimination, it's ME! Thank you all of my faithful followers for your faithfulness. It's seen me through recent tough times of traveling, socializing, and stomach pumps. I think it was Tolstoy that said in the event that you have masticated rat poison, be sure to take a teaspoon of hydrogen peroxide and throw it up. Unfortunately, I have yet to get into the Russians. I'm still reading Travels With Charley. Then I have to read Marley and Me which I've been told is a hoot! I love Owen Wilson! So I think I've mentioned before on this blog that I'm a bit of a culinary daredevil. Living up to the hype, I ate rat poison two weeks ago. I was in Peoria of all places. A place where such things are expected. Anyway, it was good (the rat poison). Sweet, not to rich, good texture - it was kinda like Fruity Pebbles. I've always preferred the Cocoa ones but I'm not supposed to have chocolate. Going stealth, I followed Dad down into the basement and as ole Toucan Sam says, Follow your nose. True to form, it found the gold. It had turned green though. But I couldn't tell - I'm colorblind. Dad caught me patting the sides of my mouth with a napkin and low and behold there beneath me was an empty dish of rat poison. What? I retorted. He answered with his fingers at the bottom of my esophagus. I can hold my liquor and my rat poison so despite his cute attempts and concern I wasn't bringing that back up for anybody, I thought. We took a trip through Peoria, which if you've ever read Dante's Inferno, is reminiscent of Circle 2. It's not that bad. Mom's crying though. She's upset with Dad for trying to spoil my snack. She gets me. Dad, in his guilt for shoving his fingers down my throat, is giving me one hell of a back scratch. One of the more memorable ones. We come to this place - everyone's wearing a white coat, I'm thinking finally, we're committing Dad. A long time coming. Instead I go for a ride. They inject me with something. I'm thinking, you know I quit this stuff awhile ago back in Oregon, but one more time can't hurt. It was bogus stuff though because all I did was throw everything up. Rat poison and all. I'd been bested! Usually throwing my stuff up is just what I call seconds but this time it wasn't going back down. To make a long story short, I'm unfazed. Still in fighting form. I'm a survivor! I'm a little more weary of Dad, but hell, what else is new? During my recovery I spent some time dominating a couple punk uncles of mine - George and Bailey. Talk about Omegas. These guys would make Benji feel like a Great Dane. Right now, I'm getting back into the habit of blogging. Still waiting for some sponsors...I think the name of that rat poison was Myrtle's or something, if you guys are interested. Works on dogs too! Think about it. I'm looking forward to the royal spoiling I'm about to get from Papa and Nana coming out in a few days. Getting myself ready for that. Sleeping a lot. The celebrity thing tanked. I was at a benefit for Perez Hilton's forehead reduction surgery and met most of them and actually really hit it off with the community. VH1's recruiting me for the next season of The Surreal Life. I'm weighing it. Michael Vick's gonna be on it though. But like I've said, I'm a fightgrrrr......!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Boleyn,

    I think your Dad knows about this blog. I was checking my e-mail when I found some hieroglyphic sort of writing forming a long line next to his name, when I clicked it it brought me here,

    Just wanted to give you a heads up, I know how you like to bad-mouth him every now and then (I don't blame you...honestly. Especially after that tool shoved his fur-less, claw-less human finger down your throat, ewwww!!!)

    BUT - on the other hand - if this was a trick of yours (the whole hieroglyphic thing) to get his buddies to come here and laugh at him, then well done my good friend!

    PS: Are we still doing the constipation thing? I really have to go...